Having an eating disorder is an experience that is profoundly misunderstood. It is not all about food, body image or weight. It is so much deeper and more complex. It is a deadly mental health condition that becomes all-consuming. You feel temporarily invincible abiding by toxic behaviours that you are fed by your ED. Despite these feelings, your reality becomes completely distorted, and your existence is entrenched by, fear, lifelessness, rigidness, and obsession. MY ED nearly killed me. I was left physically emaciated and felt suffocated by it with no way out. The pain and suffering feel unbearable, so you desperately cling to coping mechanisms as an outlet, in hopes they will ameliorate your self-hatred and help save you. In hindsight, you’re eating disorder will ALWAYS do the exact opposite. It enslaves you, leaving you to feel miserable, isolated, misunderstood, and unloved. I felt as if I was trapped within a cage blindfolded, stagnant in a position of complete hopelessness with no sight of reality or normality, whilst imagining a future in which I would be healthy and happy certainly felt impossible. However, what my eating disorder has actually shown me, is the things that bring you the most comfort are actually the things that perpetuate your suffering. Every sufferer experiences their eating disorder in their own unique way yet the pain, anguish and disconnection this mental health disorder produces are felt in equal magnitude by all victims.
You are not your eating disorder, and your pain is not your fault.
As a survivor, I can vouch for recovery as being not only a possibility but something you will never regret. I had to ride the wave of so many different emotions, some positive and many negatives. There are dark days, and it will feel incredibly difficult at first but the feelings of liberation and your ability to reclaim the time lost by filling days with love, joy and reconnection to loved ones and the world around you is so worth it.
This new life is always just around the corner.
The life that is reinstated as a result of choosing recovery will override the dark times. I can say that getting help and speaking about my personal struggles was the best decision I ever made. I am forever grateful to have been able to access support and specialist service that was able to take me in on such short notice whilst I was in such a critical state and my health was rapidly deteriorating both physically and mentally.
Restoration and consequent mental recovery have allowed me to embark on a journey of true self-discovery and I have redeveloped my personal identity. I have reconnected with my childhood self-things that truly matter to me and developed deep levels of self-compassion and self-love. I have also developed so much resilience, confidence and understanding about myself as a person as well as the mental health struggles that I face. Recovery is tough and is not linear yet committing to it has allowed me to arouse from the trance my eating disorder had me under in order to address the greater struggles at hand, and develop better-coping mechanisms.
Most importantly recovery has allowed me to grow and flourish back into not only the person I once was but a more peaceful, empathetic, and cognizant version of myself. I have realigned with my morals and values and developed a new identity that truly resonates with who I am as a person and not the person my ED made me become. I now love to challenge myself, throw myself into new opportunities and can live for the things that truly matter to me and my life. Recovery is an ongoing journey of personal growth and progression, and of course, there are dark days, but they are much lighter. I have learned to take negative emotions on the chin and feel through them knowing they will pass.
Your ED will only allow you to barely survive however recovery shows you how to truly live. Health and happiness should always come first. There is hope.
20-year-old Asian Indian Female Service User
I never in a million years thought anorexia would be something that would affect me in fact I vividly remember saying as a child ‘I love food way too much that would never happen to me’ but it did, and it can happen to anyone.
My journey with anorexia starts as the first lockdown ended. I had never worried about what I looked like before and being healthy regarding exercise and eating healthy. However, when lockdown ended, I really struggled, I had this newfound anxiety over meeting people- what would they think, do they think I’m pretty and smart enough?
I have always been an overthinker, but it was on a different level. I had just finished high school and was moving on in my life, going to a brand-new college where I knew all of two people. I had told myself as I began college that I was going to become ‘that girl’ that you see on social media who went to the gym, ate only clean foods and prioritised working to be what I deemed ‘perfect’.
When I started at college, I just wasn’t myself I managed to make friends but this constant voice in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough held me back from being my true self with them. I started going to the gym more and eating less and less focussing on clean foods that I deemed healthy giving up anything sweet which I used to love. My period had stopped quite abruptly but I was in denial that anything was wrong and because I wasn’t ‘skinny’ enough to have anorexia.
