Published on: 24 December 2024
For many, Christmas is a time for relaxing; enjoying the treats of the season; allowing yourself to switch off, unwind, and revel in the company of others.
But if you’re living with an eating disorder, the festive season can be an especially triggering time of year, exacerbating an ongoing, mental battle.
For 25-year-old Claudia, that nightmare is all too real, having spent last Christmas in the throes of anorexia nervosa mixed with a heightened state of anxiety and depression.
But just 12 months on, thanks largely to support from the Derbyshire Eating Disorders Service (DEDS) at Derbyshire Healthcare NHS Foundation Trust, Claudia has found a route back into full-time employment and self-sufficiency, while fighting the ongoing battle with her eating disorder (E.D.).
“I had always had to wrestle with my eating disorder from a young age, but had still managed to keep things under wraps and hidden from people around me, and sometimes even myself.”
“I had worked really hard at school, at university, and had moved into a flat in Birmingham ready to start a job in a career I thought would be my dream”
“I then found pretty quickly that here was a lot of pressure in my job, I was working long hours and it was all too easy to neglect eating and just carry on working rather than looking after myself,” she said. “I was working so hard that I was losing contact with my friends, so I didn’t have as large a support network either. My relationship ended during this period and all of the pressure started highlighting feelings of anxiety, anger, depression that had previously been hidden under the mask of a happy, high-achieving young lady”
The scales of power had started tipping towards the E.D.
Claudia, from Derby, said that even as a child she was conscious of gaining weight and stressed about calories in food. She would often tell her mum she didn’t want that piece of chocolate in case it made her fat, or if she treated herself to a donut, she would then push herself to go for a run or swim to burn it off - fuelled by guilt rather than the joy of exercise.
“I was always compensating for the food I’d eaten,” she said. “I know social media had quite an influence on me. I would read fashion magazines and watch films and see the perceived ‘“perfect woman’” who was always really slim, which definitely rubbed off on me.”
An avid shopper with a keen interest in fashion, Claudia added: “I always felt that the smaller sizes were more desirable, and I should not be over a certain size.”
In 2023, people around Claudia started to notice she was losing weight. “I was a healthy weight to start with, but when people made comments about my weight, I thrived off that,” she said. “At my dad’s 70th birthday, my auntie gave me a hug and said, ‘Oh, how you’ve changed - you’ve lost a lot of weight!’
“Inside I was literally doing a somersault in celebration that somebody had noticed. My boyfriend at the time also continually commented on my reducing weight, but this only fed desires to continue the trend – there was no finish line to the size I wanted to be.”
“It’s really complicated to explain but any sort of attention could fuel my E.D. – if you told me I looked great, I’d continue. If you highlighted the meal I’d eaten, I’d do anything to sate the feeling of guilt for having eaten.”
During the summer of 2023, Claudia came home to Derby to visit her family as her dad was in hospital. “My mum noticed how poorly I was but it just caused conflict because I didn’t want to hear it. Eventually she insisted that I reach out for some professional support.”
Claudia visited her doctor for a routine check-up only for the GP to be so alarmed by her weight loss that he referred her to an eating disorders service straight away.
“I was deemed too poorly to work, and ended up coming home to Derby, which is how I got involved with the Derbyshire Eating Disorders Service,” she said. “The DEDS team were the lifeline I didn’t realise I needed. And now, reflecting on this whole process, I can hand-on-heart say that I have grown in so many different ways. I have never understood myself in the ways I do now and, crucially, I recognise that investing time and energy into yourself is one of the best things you can do to grow confidence, happiness and flourish!”
Being forced to give up her job and leave her flat for months while she sought help, gave Claudia the wake up call she needed, and her journey to regaining control of her life began.
“Work with the DEDS team began with a confidential chat at the clinic in Belper. Whilst my tears never stopped streaming, my therapist made me feel comfortable enough to be open and honest about how I was feeling, my experiences and my overwhelming thoughts.”
Claudia chose the MANTRA route, which she describes as a more creative approach to treating people with an eating disorder, involving therapies such as reflective writing. “It was through creativity and journalling that I was able to get to grips with what was fuelling my eating disorder and then I was able to work closely with a therapist who helped me to tackle each problem one at a time. I knew recovery needed me to fully invest in the process, but I couldn’t have done it without the support of the team at Unity Mill. From my therapist, to Doctors, to occupational therapists, to dieticians, to phlebotomists, to peer support workers, to the admin team, I have only ever had positive interactions with the DEDS team. I admire each and every member of staff there.”
“It’s really important to know that the phrase “full circle” doesn’t really explain how E.D works – it’ll always be there for me. But I finally feel like I’m relinquishing some of the power taken over by my mental illness. It’s tiring, it’s frustrating, and sometimes it feels easier to give up and slip back to old habits, but the team at Derbyshire Eating Disorders Services have given me the tools I need to keep moving forward. I’ll forever be grateful to them.”
Derbyshire Eating Disorders Service is based at Unity Mill in Belper and is part of Derbyshire Healthcare Foundation NHS Trust. If you, or someone you know, needs help and support around eating disorders, you can contact them on 01773 881467 or find out more at www.derbyshirehealthcareft.nhs.uk/eating-disorders
